Shame

A film by Steve McQueen

2011 

It was the half empty bed covered in a blue sheet, one side being occupied by Brandon. Alone, looking just as bare as the other side of the bed, his eyes are blank with neither purpose nor direction. The cold sunlight finally comes in as the blind being unfold.  

His naked body consumed and being consumed by another, finally needs to wake up to the bleak realty. Today is going to be the same as the day just passed, no matter how much of last night’s fantasy and organism were there.

The apartment is posh and tidy, every details seems to be well thought before. Then of course, a 30 something single well groomed man who can afford such a high rise place; what else do you expected otherwise?

He follow his routine vigorously, he goes to work in his own little cubical, he goes out a bit with people he had no feeling with. During the day, there is a small washroom space which allows him to masturbate.  At night, in the single bar, he can pry for his next target, he has already realized he could stay as cool as possible. Women will come along without him uttering a single pick up line. The fact is, he has already stopped trying to flirt, because he knows too well that he can get his hand on her almost effortlessly.

**

The gaze is mutual; he tries to imagine what it is to be with her, what it is feel like to have that moment of intimacy with her. She crossed her leg so carelessly as if she has signaled her approval on his flirting request.

As the mutual gazing is happening, the train arrived at the next stop and it provides such an opportunity to get closer. In a split second, when fantasy and courage inside run high inside of him, that is also the exact moment he realized that she has been taken. He saw the sign of her commitment to another man, he wants to retreat but his instinct decided otherwise. Follow her! Keep chasing! Even it is a fruitless endeavor!!

He thought that it may be this time, thing could turn out differently. Yet, it is this very moment of hesitation that is one second too long; she disappeared in the sea of crowd.

The encounter stopped there, so does his hope.

**

The uncertainty ease, the hope is gone and he quickly goes back to his own frustration. Choices aren’t many and the only difference is how he is going to have his sex.

Maybe a prostitute;
Maybe that someone he meets in the single bar;

Maybe he tries the online chat room to see if she is still performing in front of the camera;

Or to suppress such need, a quick masturbation in his own bathroom can do the trick;

Even to push himself further; a gay bar with an oral job could ease his desire a little bit.

If all these are not enough, his extensive collection of online and paper pornography would always right besides him, whether they are in a laptop or his wardrobe.

The very act of sex had long stopped giving him any kind of pleasure, or excitement. The only thing that keeps him going is because in that very moment, he can forget how empty and lonely his life really is. He needs the pain, the physical exhaustion to remind the very existence of himself. He wants to feel that he is still living, even with all these emptiness

Is it the childhood and upbringing that makes him who he is now? 

He is so nostalgic with his vinyl records, so is his love to 50's cartoon.

There seems to be some precious memory to preserve. It may be something that is so special to him that someday, if he ever starts feeling for someone, he is fear for losing them altogether.

Or indeed, he has fallen in love with his own loneliness and solitude.

**

Keep running. To run is to escape.

Whether it is day or night; dry or wet; as if that is the only moment he feels the world around he is moving. Even if New York City is just as empty as his soul, just as cold and bleak as his heart; He keeps running in such a city, as if he can outrun the emptiness, the dissatisfaction, the frustration that he cannot get over.

Maybe help is just right around the corner. It is that one person whom she can disrupt his life. Expected the Unexpected, your family member could be just as troublesome as he does but wouldn't they will give he a moment that he can finally care about someone, truly.